What is True?

Out of the blue, I received a phone call from someone in the midst of an anxiety attack. I wasn't prepared for this, but isn't this life? So much of it is full of things I am not prepared for, and I do them anyway. I asked my friend to take a deep breath (truthfully, I did the same because I had no idea what I was doing) and then I said, "Tell me... what's going on?" He talked for ten minutes, telling me a long and convoluted story, his voice rising to peaks and lowering to valleys that seemed to match the plot twists he was sharing. Some of it I could not follow. After he was done I said, "Ok. Now out of all of this, what is true?"

He paused. From all of his meanderings he could only identify two things he knew with certainty were true. The rest was a story he was telling himself. His breathing became normal and his sentences took on the sheen of someone more aware of the moment he was in and he was willing to hang up with a degree of certainty, that for the time being, he would be ok. The truth as he had determined was still hard but manageable.

This whole incident feels indicative of this new world we are living in. What is true? How do I find my way to the truth? I start with my breath. Then I move on to the warm cat in my arms and the sun filtering through the leaves casting a narrow shadow on my dog sleeping in her favorite spot on the couch. I see the remnants of breakfast in the sink, spy my coffee cup, mostly empty, and I think, "I am here."

"Here" means this point in history like none other. "Here" means I debate often with myself about when I will read the news. Morning, noon, or night? I have to decide how much time I will give to it. I choose a variety of sources and lately, they are all saying the same thing. What is true is I am watching an unhinged man "lead" our country. What is true is my seventh grader shows a much greater capacity for remorse and self-reflection than the adult male in the White House. What is also true is that the officials of the party he aligned with have remained silent, mostly, despite his unhinged behavior. This, at times, unnerves me. 

What is also true is people are starting to not talk about the president at all. Face to face, I see friends for walks and attend committee meetings and go about my business and rarely does anyone mention the news. This distresses me. It seems like we are accepting and normalizing a dangerous man. My family's not talking, my friends aren't talking, and really what it comes down to is, what is there to say? No one knows for sure, and isn't that the truth? 

Another true thing is I went to a meeting this morning for a group whose main purpose is to encourage engagement within our community about any number of things. This summer, we want to get our community talking to each other. There is no hidden agenda other than getting out of your house and getting to know those who live next to you. This is a concrete action I am taking in the place where I live. 

It's also true I drive to county jail and watch a friend lead some inmates through the steps that Molly Barker created in The Red Boot Coalition. Many of them sit there, free from alcohol and drugs for the first time, and ever-so-slowly start to put the pieces of their past, present, and future life together. I listen, mostly, and I am struck at how this is the real time version of what it means to be more alike than different. Anxiety and parenting and money and fear and an unwillingness to admit our faults and mistakes--every single person carries these things no matter how shiny their outsides look. As they make connections, I make connections I have never made before. I can't say what lasting impact this will have on them, but I feel changed. Once they leave the safety net of a jail, who really knows what will happen? But it is amazing! What is true is that good things can happen while the world appears to be falling apart.

Still, today, I am haunted by my own words. What is true? What is true is I have no idea of how to explain someone like Trump to my kids, but I can demonstrate kindness and healthy debate. I can feel fear in my heart with every headline I read and then replace that fear with one action that rises above every heartless and selfish act. I can keep writing and talking and using my own voice when it seems other people seem scared. I can keep reaching out to people until the truths I see and feel and create are larger and more powerful than the headlines. Perhaps I can change the headlines. It seems unlikely, but I can try. There seems to be no other choice for me...and that is the truth. 

A Birthday Girl

Today my girl turns 16.

We made a time capsule for her on her first birthday. Today we will open it at dinner and discover what is in there. I honestly can’t recall, but what I can tell you is what is in my heart today.

Parenting is a trip like none other. You can do all the “right stuff” according to books and experts and common sense and your gut, and still, none of that can account for some of the crazy things that happen.

I can’t rewrite the script.I can’t go back in time to undo every parenting fail. I can’t undo all the bedtime battles or the development of an illness that was just like watching a horrific car crash in slow motion. I can’t undo all my bad advice and emotional reactions. I can’t undo all the fun I did not allow myself to have for fear of not being the MOTHER.

And despite all of this, she rises. I am in awe of the person she is becoming. She has more grit in her little toe than I’ve ever known. She has found her way through determination and hard work. She enjoys living in her body and now moves with grace and confidence. She is mature beyond her years, cool when I am hot, thoughtful when I want to rage, and all I can do is remain her faithful student.

I don’t know why I got the girl I got. There are days when I don’t know how I have lived through the heartbreak and sorrow. And yet when I look at this girl, I see everything I need to know in her eyes. She came out wide-eyed and curious on May 24, 2001. She was craning her neck and looking around so attentively that a long-time nurse said, “I’ve not seen that before. She’s ready to go!”  And that was my first clue that the gift of her life with me was really quite temporary.

We are not best friends. We don’t have that kind of relationship. Things aren’t easy and breezy and she is not begging to take a selfie with me or hang out just because. She does not give up her thoughts easily as I taxi her to and fro. I settle just for being next to her.

But she does ask me about my day. She does come in every night to kiss me good-night and fistbump her dad. She says "thank you" for each meal and rarely does she ask for anything. She figures out most of her daily dilemmas without constantly texting me. And this: she notes my life as a writer. On the night of the reading, she attended. Later she complimented my writing by saying, “You’re good, mom”.

That is a jewel I will always carry.

I did get more than I bargained for and what a bargain it has been.

All I really know is that I have tried. She’s got a few more years with us, but I see one of her feet, clad in a tap shoe or a pointe shoe or a flip flop or a Chuck Taylor, and it is pointing out into the bigger world. Those feet are ready to run, dance, skip to the next place. She is ready and I see it. And it is my cue to get ready too.

Until then, I have just a few wishes for her.

Stay fierce.


Stay focused.

Laugh as much as possible.


And don't forget to pause once in awhile to look at how far you've come.

And always remember, I'm your mama.