December 11's, 2020

 December 7, 2020

Things that are bothering me:

1. The mind is a difficult thing to train. In the last two weeks, I have felt myself shut down. I know that trying to help others is the way to go, but I just feel sort of disengaged. It’s frustrating. I know what to do but movement is a challenge.

2. I don’t want to talk, exactly. Because then saying all the terrible stuff will spill out and then what? And so, I don’t.

3. I am beyond irritated and sad that people on my feed have referred to Covid 19 as the Wuhan or the Chinese virus. I want to spit at their insensitivity or let it go. Clearly, neither has happened. 

4. I know people are just looking out for themselves. They make decisions for the good of their own family and then the rest is up for grabs.

5. This time is like no other and I wish people cared for others in a much bigger-hearted way. I don’t see it with all the stupidity out there. It makes my skin crawl. Surrounded by a world of science, I cannot fathom much of what I see. Though Bob is not on the front lines they expect him to act as if and that is the point- we ALL are on the front lines. We are the front line- it’s us. Why don’t people get that?

6. I am sad about how the holidays look so different. But more importantly is getting through this with no more illness in hopes of gathering later to celebrate Karsten's graduation and a wedding in June for Chrissa and Colton. These are some beacons that I keep looking toward. If we do this now, we can do that later. 

7. Last night my kids were laughing, chattering, guffawing on Zoom with their D & D group. Joy! Oh my goodness, such joy! For a moment they were away from this shit show. I notice they drill down Lucy into her studies, Ben into D & D and they don’t take all this shit on. Or at least I don’t see them take it on, but their loss is real too and so are their coping skills.

8. I feel disconnected to everyone. That is the truth. Everyone is in their bubble doing what they can to get through. I guess I am too and right now my bubble feels really wobbly.

9. Grace, dear one. Don't forget to extend it to myself.

10. Yesterday doggo lost her marbles. A neighbor family had come to the door, masked, with Christmas cookies. I had just gotten out of the shower so my hair was dripping. I looked a wreck while wrangling the dog. The little girl is such a sweetie and so kind! And yet what a disaster! I laughed because what else is there?

11. I am sitting in front of our tree as much as I can. It is calm and sweet and the lights always make me smile. We don’t do a curated and coordinated tree. The kids ornaments fill up the whole tree. I mean, this is what life is, a compilation of memories and if you never take the time to think about them, turn them over, mark what was….what is the point of the collection?