Pandemic Lies

One thing I could not have predicted during the current national crisis is the proliferation of articles, memes and gifs in my feed around the “pandemic 15.” Our culture’s steadfast fixation on weight, even in a pandemic, is breathtaking not because it is surprising but in that it persists. 

Long before the pandemic, I made an agreement with myself in order to find some balance around my relationship to social media. Because there are many parts of social media that I really like, I needed to find the sweet spot of letting it fill me with good stuff and me using it for good rather than the constant comparathon I tend toward. So I used a phrase, “Good for them, not for me,” whenever the familiar feelings of me judging myself against others cropped up. Given the obsession with diets and working out, I have had a LOT of opportunities to practice. For the most part it has worked -- until the recent proliferation of weight-shaming memes cropped up. 

Society has a clear vision of what is acceptable when it comes to a woman’s body. It is so ingrained in our culture that many of us shame our own selves. Responses vary from laughter to worse, a shrug of acceptance. And while this comes as no surprise to me, after my irritation wears off, the sadness settles in. 

Listen, I put myself on my first diet at 14. You likely already know my story simply because it is so common. I developed my own twisted relationship to my body because I didn’t know I was already ok. The world tells girls they are not ok no matter what they look like and for a long time, I believed them. I was yet another girl wasting too much energy trying to be someone she is not meant to be because I wanted the world (men, society) to accept me.

But I’ve done my work over the course of a lifetime and I am finally seeing the lies and choosing to live freely. 

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I’ve had the honor of seeing inside the eating disorders world. I’ve had the opportunity to learn deeply what exists in the minds of those affected and how excruciatingly difficult it is in the world today to recover. Sadly, full recovery stories are not plentiful though certainly possible. I know enough about the science of eating disorders to tell you that society does not cause an eating disorder and I also know enough about our culture to tell you how little we do to support these people. A person doesn’t have to be clinically diagnosed to fall victim to the messages. 

Everywhere we turn the wellness world is full of “help.” How to eat, what it means to “make healthy choices”, how to dress to “minimize” this or that part because it is very important to make ourselves smaller. Entire industries have been designed to conform our shape so it is pleasing to the eye. What they don’t ask is, whose eye are we pleasing? And why? 

I also have done enough personal exploration to understand that to start seeing and believing things that are not affirmed in the general world, a person has to seek out pockets of the world that simply say, NO, I decide what is good for me. I decide what is right for me and my body. I decide that how I look only matters to one person: me.

One of the best things I have done for myself in the last five years is seek out ordinary women who love themselves and will not be silenced just because they do not meet a particular beauty standard. I have filled my social media feeds with women whose looks are as varied as the landscapes on this planet. I have read books by women who have stories of torment against their bodies who are clawing their way to acceptance. I have gratefully sought out women who simply like who they are. Lizzo on Instagram is body manna from heaven. I stumbled upon a quote from Mindy Kaling who said for a long time women didn’t like her because she liked herself. How disturbing is that? And then, after I let it settle, I thought, yeah- what the hell? I found a woman in Chicago who is short like me and dresses TO PLEASE HERSELF and TO BE COMFORTABLE. The things she puts together are for no one BUT HERSELF. Of one of her favorite outfits, she said, “I feel like a big pink marshmallow!” It is utterly delightful. I started tuning in carefully to women who do NOT disparage their looks or their bodies. When I started seeing them, I could also start hearing them and in turn, I could start believing it for myself. I could start believing in myself.

The other significant thing in my world is that very few of my close friends discuss in any great detail how unhappy they are with their bodies. I am not stupid. I am sure they may have some insecurities, but we are resolute in being kind to ourselves. And if someone has some frustration, she gets time to let it out but she does not get to wallow. A body is a gift in any shape and size. 

And so in this world I have created for myself I have finally gotten to the point when I am STARTLED when weight is a thing people disparage, which brings me to these “pandemic 15” memes.

Listen, if the worst thing that can happen to you is that you gain 15 pounds during a global pandemic, then I humbly suggest lifting your hands in prayer and gratitude. And if it happens to me, I will make up for it with the weight I am losing through letting all the expectations of who I should be and what I should look like during a pandemic go straight to hell. I have not given up on who I am because of my weight. Weight is a complicated and tricky thing. Health is important but my body mass is no one’s concern but my own.

The truth is I am strong and I may be fat. It is likely that I will always be. But I am not going to hide, no matter how many memes find their way onto my feed, and I will not be quiet about it either. Too many of us have suffered silently and I just can’t let that happen to the world of women I want my students and my daughter to inhabit. 

So lean in and listen:

You are great as is.

Show up and be seen for who you are. 

Everything else is a lie.