Pandemonium

I want to record something, anything on my blog that says, “Here I am in the world living alongside others in the pandemic that is currently shifting and changing the world I have known for 51 years.”

And so, there is much I could say but the thing most on my mind today is dangerous misinformation.

I’ve been thinking a lot about these protesters who say they want to go back to work. Perhaps they do and I certainly understand that, but to put others at risk and overwhelm our healthcare system? That just tips it into a very dark place for me.

Part of the pride I see others carry about being a free citizen in this country is doing whatever you want. People do not want the government telling them what to do although regulating women’s bodies more than assault weapons is ok. They find ways to get out of paying premiums on their taxes but complain about road conditions. As much as I have vehemently disagreed with so much of this, I have come to some twisted form of acceptance. It doesn’t mean I don’t speak out or do my part in resisting these ideas, but somehow I have learned to live with the fact that these fights will always be a part of our national fabric. 

But this virus is such a different beast. And here is what I am getting at-- in a time where I might normally seek to go deeper, a time when I draw on looking at how others see it, a time when I sort of rise to an occasion of trying hard to find compassion, I feel unable to find it. I find my heading nodding at things I used to blow past--memes that blatantly call people idiots and “You can't fix stupid.”  

I do not feel proud of myself.

About 1.5 days after I returned from Portugal, our governor asked us to stay home for two weeks. A local nonprofit started a webpage that focuses on helping neighbors in need. I signed up to help because it felt concrete. People can put in requests for things they need and people volunteer help and items. Behind the scenes we make matches. I like the simplicity. I like watching people hop on and say, “Can someone help me?” and sometimes before we can even track an ask, a kind soul has answered and the job is done. Other needs are more complicated and eight people volunteering their time are privately chatting and working their own networks, scrambling to make the thing happen. We have a mask making brigade that started because so many were concerned about the vulnerable aging population. It has morphed into the best sort army for good. It has  been a sight to behold, these tireless people doing and doing and doing.

But when I read about governors wanting to loosen up and “get back to work”, the sick web of Trump donors staging twisted rallies around the country endangering so many, I found myself not knowing what to do with myself. 

Friends who are nurses donning the equivalent of Hazmat suits to go to work every day, so many health care professionals whose lives at work have been completely upended, the educators who have had to twist and morph their profession seemingly overnight, friends and relatives who work in close quarters behind the scenes of our prison systems and so so so many who are working to keep what is open- the groceries, garbage and recycling, the post office….it just feels like such a blatant disregard for life. 

And yet a woman can’t determine what to do with her body. How does this EVEN MAKE SENSE???

Many people suggest turning off the news. I limit myself for sure, but this is not the time to be unaware of what is happening. I’d rather know there are people who believe this is one big hoax so I know what I am up against.

And yet I do not like how I am feeling--callous, frustrated, angry, and resentful of those who just seem to willfully ignore science and good solid information. Wrestling with all of this is what I do, but I feel pretty stymied right now. How do I make sense of it for myself? How do I add to the world a thing that I want to see grow rather than fall into a pit of anger and despair?

I keep working for neighbors. I keep meeting my ugly parts on the page. I keep noting when I shake my head yes every single time I agree with some snark and say, “Stop. Do not let that in.” I fail sometimes and I forgive myself. I keep staying home, I keep resisting idiocy that threatens public health, and I keep speaking out about it. I also understand that anger can transform a person. I am willing it to be on the side of good. And that compassion I so wish to extend that feels threatened must first be offered to me, for doing something I’ve never done before….living in pandemonium.