I have named her Lois simply because I do not know anyone named Lois. Lois doesn't work for me. She works against me and she has been driving my life for some time. She doesn't say kind things. If I heard her speak to a friend the way she speaks to me, I would be embarrassed. And so in this journey I am on, I really trying to work with Lois. It is sort of like training a dog. And I am no good at training dogs. If you met my dog, you would clearly understand what I am up against. But the deal with my brain and Lois, is that she really has just ruled for too long. I am in charge and she just needs to know that. Here are just a few things that Lois has said to me over the years:
Why is this so hard for you? Everyone else can do this.
You have really let yourself go.
Why are you yelling? You are such a bitch.
You can't do that.
Scaredy cat. I knew you wouldn't do it.
That was dumb. How could you lose the keys? or your wallet? or that important piece of paper?
Why did you say that? People will think you are nuts.
Compared to other women your age, you really haven't done much.
Get a life!
Your kids are a mess.
All talk, no action. Again. You will never change.
Why aren't you more organized, pretty, fit, smart, put together?
She's a gem, isn't she? So, yeah, Lois is really a witch and as much as I would like her to be gone, it really isn't that simple. I have to retrain her. I have been working on this ever since we started helping our daughter through her issues. She has a mean voice, too, and it was driving her to do some really awful things. Part her training was to simply recognize when this mean voice was talking and notice her and then replace her voice with something that the strongest version herself would say. So I am doing this, too. And since I have started, I have noticed lots of people talking about similar techniques. They envision this voice as someone who is only a very small part of them. It's important to recognize they exist and try to find a place for them. The reality is that our frenemies like doubt and fear will always be around, but they do not have to be in charge.
I wish I could tell you I am having this PHENOMENAL experience and my life has totally changed. It's not like that at all. It is a journey and it takes practice. I have gone to a meditation center to learn more and what I am realizing is that my brain has been out of whack for quite some time. I also have to keep practicing and noticing Lois and being gentle with Strong Lisa. When Lois starts talking smack about how I meditate, I know I have gone too long without working at it.
In a doctor's visit yesterday, my practitioner actually PRESCRIBED meditation. When she saw my history of depression, she started discussing mindfulness and meditation and practically jumped out of her chair when I told her what I had been working on. Strong Lisa wanted to shout, "Bring back the high five because I am on this!"
But I just smiled and Lois glowered... which was totally fine by me.
As aside, I have to admit that Big Man suggested I try meditation during the heart of our unemployment months. He did because his ego was out of whack, We have different struggles regarding negative thoughts and even different methods for meditation. But none of that matters. It has helped each of us in different ways. All of this is to say, hon, YOU WERE RIGHT!