Finally got a chance to visit with my primary care doc. What I thought was one thing turned out to be another thing. I did not know you could be on antidepressants and still be depressed. They have worked for so long. It’s true perimenopause has done a number on me, but well, I was surprised and so were those close to me.
I bring this up because you can’t really know a person’s insides unless they tell you. I work well with my colleagues, I have a good rapport with students, I have good relationships with friends and family. I actually consider myself someone who has an arsenal of coping mechanisms- art, pets, exercise, a decent diet, and getting fresh air. So I thought I was doing all the things and what was left was just me feeling angry, negative, and tired no matter how much or how little I slept. I wasn't talking about it because it felt too hard to explain.
We will see if there are any internal changes as time passes and I do more things, including a new medicine and some things I don’t wish to share.
One thing that has brought me great joy is seeing my mom laugh with my sister. Angie is always fun and she always brings a smile to mom’s face and mine. Together, the three of us watched Iowa women’s basketball, Mom and me with our blankets covering our eyes because WE CAN’T STAND IT and Angie provided a play-by-play. We made a lasagne from a new recipe mom found and no one hip-checked anyone in the kitchen. Success!
I am surrounded by kickass older women- my boss, my mother-in-law and all her friends, Mom, her friends, and my friend’s families. On hard days, I think of all they have endured and know I can too. It’s just life- the ups and downs.
The book is moving along. The shape has shifted some, but it’s good. I can finally see what it will look like and I am excited. The truth is memoirs don’t get published easily, but for me it's about so much more. The process, my family, how we show up in the world during extreme stress, how we hold on, and how we let go. My message is bigger than growing up in Iowa and I am humbled by the skill it requires to put all of this into words. There will be published copies one way or another, but at the moment, the next step is revising it enough so I can attempt a query letter to some publishers.
I have been missing the great cloud mornings- or documenting them anyway. This morning I stood outside to see blue sky and white, grey, and silver clouds being illuminated and instead of running for my phone, I held still. The birds were singing and I took a deep breath. Not everything needs a picture. Some things are just for me.
We miss our doggie. She was a pain, but the life force she had was great. It’s so quiet in the house. We have some travel planned and we think we will wait a bit, but we like to share photos of this dog or that. I study their eyes, looking for some spark, some hidden message that says, “I am yours.” This may be asking way too much of a photo, but we are just looking at this point.
It’s fun to see Mom with her buddy Zeke. He’s also a pain, but even things that are less than ideal need love and it’s a two-way street. They help each other- with routine and love and fending off that feeling of being alone.
There was laughter at the table the other night playing a silly word game with the two grandmas and a young adult- they all give off such different vibes and vocabularies but that is exactly what made it so funny. I don’t know why we rush to separate people by age so often. We have so much to learn from people outside our generation.
It feels good to touch down. Though I have been writing, it hasn’t been this kind. I feared it would be too weird and sad and angry. Maybe the medicine is working after all. Time will tell. It's good to hold on to spring, the promise of new blooms, and a fresh start.
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