I've been trying to take screen breaks and it’s hard. I get so sucked in. Not having FB on my phone helps a lot. I broke my own rules and shared some photos of a recent trip and Lucy’s move. It is amazing how that one thing sucked me right back in. So, this morning, I am back to the fast of sorts.
What I know is each day I don’t write, I am not truly in touch with my SELF. When I don’t write, I avoid my SELF. So this here, is a small attempt at getting into my SELF.
What instigated this break, along with my writing coach taking her own break, is my ire and utter dismay at those who support Trump. I can’t even. I get so angry and the anger has yet to serve me.
So I have been thinking a lot about the anger and the why of it. Some say politics isn't personal and nothing, seriously, nothing is further from the truth. Aging has given me the gift of finally understanding that policies are personal and they affect my life and those lives of people whom I love. I have been thinking a lot about what is actually BETTER for us now under Trump. I can’t find it. So I take myself out of it and try to think critically and I still don’t get it. I just land on what a creep of a human he is. Even if I accept basic policy disagreements (America first, no matter what), he lies and makes up stuff and doesn’t use science to make decisions. He makes zero attempts at unity. His faux Christianity- protecting abortion rights over how he dehumanizes everyone else. Supporting that makes zero sense to me. And so I have to accept I will never understand and let that go. Just give it up but where does that leave me? People in my life whom I do care for, who have shown up, who have a right to their beliefs that just don’t jive with mine --well, I guess what it comes down to is this hurts me for some reason. I don’t know why I care so much. When I drill down even further it’s weird to be on this planet with people who operate their lives so radically differently. If the bedrock of most religions is to look out for others, to do unto them as you would yourself, to care for land and water and human life as precious, my mathematical equation never lands on how Trump has done any of this. I land back on, ”Get over it, Lisa!” I will do what I can. What I can do is vote, encourage others to vote, and to keep writing about how I end up where I do.
Listen, I know politicians aren’t known for character. I know so many on both sides are sleazebags and liars and all sorts of wrong. To have Trump be so well -documented in his total lack of character is the difference, I guess. He has NO regard for women and no compassion or ability to empathize. So that is troubling to me and I don’t get how that can not be troubling to others. I guess we all have to draw our line in the sand when making decisions. It’s been hard for me to accept my line is not in the same place as others. I know I am being judgmental. This is hard to accept as well. I want more than ever to have an open heart. But cruelty, lies, and a disregard for science in the face of a pandemic for the lives already on the planet is my line. I cannot make anyone else desire to have that same line, but I’d be lying if I said it makes me comfortable to know I share physical space with people who can look past all that in the name of things I don’t get. It’s been really hard. Like, I feel like I share a country with people speaking totally different languages and no one is trying to teach me the key words and phrases. I heard a woman from North Carolina being interviewed about the confederate flag and slavery. She said slavery was good for those people. It gave them hope and a chance at a life they might not otherwise have. I was stunned. Stunned into not being able to breathe. If I wanted to know who believes that crap, I found it. History. How we parse it out and make sense of it to justify our own being. I don’t know. I share space with her. I can’t understand and then I just sort of sink and sooo…..
And so I took myself off of FB because it’s hard to see people seemingly not care about facts and believe really crazy stuff. I won’t change their minds, they won’t change mine, and the best thing for me to do is just stay true to myself. To keep fighting for the truth and to encourage those I know who do want to question things in the name of good for all. I need to spend my time with and for those people. That is where I can effect change and lift truth and make a difference.
I just finished reading The Night Watchman by Louise Erdrich. She is first and foremost a national treasure of a writer. My god- such brilliance in craft. Such beauty in storytelling. And as it happens in life, I am gobsmacked by my stupidity. Like, it just finally landed in my stomach and heart what happened to Native Americans. Like, yes, I knew intellectually but this book made me feel it in ways I didn’t allow myself to take in before. And this story- one of her grandfather as a night watchman living on a small piece of a reservation, that just drove all of it home. It was in the details of their life- how difficult it was to simply exist- no running water or heat on a reservation. Everyday life was a chore.. Early in the semester when my son was taking an AP US History class with a really great teacher, we asked him what unit he was on and how it was going. “Mom,” he said. “We literally stole land from people. What do you want me to say? Native Americans were screwed and there isn’t too much to feel good about. I’ll learn about the complexities of how white people got their way but man, this class is sad.” I heard this, of course. I was taken aback by the swift summary of our history and then….I let it go? I dunno. But clearly that lodged in me somewhere and it came roaring back as I started to read Erdrich’s book. And I think what I am getting at it is this sort of thing has always been part of being me. I learn something that seems so awful and I don’t know how to take it in. If I let it in then I have to do something and I always get stymied at the action part. So maybe I learn stuff and set it aside or toss it off because there is nothing to do.
I have also been pondering how other people are not like this. They don’t ruminate over what happened or how others are affected. I am an observer by nature and it’s clear that there are wide swaths of people in their head and it’s just about getting on in their own life. I get it for sure. I get stuck too, but I get stuck on some really big things. And that isn’t useful to me or anyone.
It takes me to the water, as in I like being by water. I just fall into the rhythm of a river or lake or ocean. Whatever beat the water brings, I connect almost instantly to it. Of course this slows my breath and I can get clearer about life that way. I wish I could offer some major revelations but usually what I come to is: Here I am.
Staying focused is key to getting by. But first, intentionally setting the focus is where my power lies. What or who gets my attention and how will I let this shape my days, my life?
When Big Man and I get frustrated with news of the day or a family squabble we like to break out that cheesy Glee song, “We’re all in this together” and sway side to side and invoke a buck-up and let’s work together mentality. It’s supposed to break the tension and also refocus us. And yet what I am feeling based on what I am reading, seeing, and experiencing is that it doesn’t feel like we are. It feels like some of us care about everyone and others do not. That’s what I have been sifting through and the part that niggles me more than ever--are we all in this together?
Bonus 11: So I can write, share how I sort through it, and be intentional. I will not stop sharing, but I can stop responding. I can make my own lines in the sand by stopping with attempts at mind changing. If your mind can’t be changed by facts and science and clear attempts at manipulation and lies, I can do nothing for your heart. But I can protect mine.
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