To Stand Tall

In a turn no one could have predicted in February (and clearly, no one stateside did), the world has

gone mad.

I knew it would with Donald Trump at the helm. In fact, everything I anticipated has come true along with things I never dreamed about--the pandemic and the wellspring of hoax-related drama. Things I should have been dreaming of, the reckoning of black lives, has finally come to fruition. Where the hell have I been regarding all this anti racism work? The good news is I am finally awake. The bad news is Donald Trump still leads, like a chump, but he retains the title. That people still believe anything he says or anyone he appoints is beyond me.

Let's just say I am having what I call a Marlis Gray moment.

This is all to say, if there is one thing my mother taught me by example, that is she has zero patience for fools. 

I have told this story to many people but during the great 2016 election, my parents were some of the few people who did not use the internet like most of the world. In fact, my mom doesn't use the internet for anything. She watches PBS News Hour and she reads the regional paper. PBS offered extensive coverage on both Hillary and Donald and it was no contest. She just said, after viewing two debates, that he was a liar, he doesn't respect women, and he didn't care about anyone but himself. Did she love Hillary? No. But the crook had no place in office.

It was interesting to me because she hadn't been on a steady diet of FOX or CNN or Facebook. She doesn't really like to talk politics with me because like dad, I can get fired up. Truth. 

And then she was done and has remained done. She can't take the lies and more lies and more lies and so, she has tuned out beyond staying marginally informed. 

This is all to say the desire I used to have to see everyone's perspective is not only wafer thin, but there are giant holes in any remaining wafer. I am thinking I may have to tune out as well.

And yet there is that part of me that has tried to distill my frustration. It's not enough to say people are dumb. People are not dumb. I believe strongly and others do as well-- it's just not what I believe.

But the line for me is reason. This is way beyond some liberal and conservative divide. It is common sense paired with science and there are people who do not believe science. This rots my gut as I am surrounded by people who use science and data to make good decisions. My work, as a reading teacher, is steeped in data and best practices and my hubby's work as a physician is guided by peer reviewed and long term wide ranging studies. Neither of us get information that is labelled democrat or republican. 

But follow the money they say and a conspiracy hoax on THE WHOLE world is touted. 

I just can't even.

And now people questions studies, which is fair, but if we no longer trust the institutions and scientists who are busting their tails to give us the most recent and reliable information as it is happening, who do we trust?

I've been making regular stops at these fields of sunflowers. I have always been a fan of a bunch of the same thing. But really, are they the same? When you look closer, there are differences. A missing petal, a drooping head, not totally unfurled, stubbornly not facing the sun, standing rigid, barely holding on. But, you have to look. It's easy to just say, look at that field of sameness but it's a field of individuals.

Nuance.

Oh my god. It's so hard to be in this world to day. Perhaps the challenge is just being willing to look at it and say, we aren't the same but we are together. And what I do affects you and you and you. And so it does matter what I believe and it does matter that I question.

Someone once accused me of be Pollyanna-ish because I do believe, have always thought, that what is good for all kids and not just mine, is the thing that matters most. People rip their kids out of school because their own child isn't being served exactly as they hoped, and now with the distance learning becoming a possibility for another semester, private citizens are considering forming education pods so little Susie doesn't get behind. None of that has appealed to me and I've been accused of not wanting the best for MY kids.

And to some degree they are right. I don't want the BEST for MY kid, but what I really want is great for everyone. My kids will be fine with less than great because they have me. And so I will always choose better for all over great just for me. 

And when people don't want to question what they believe, I wonder-- is this the best thing for everyone? And this is where I get nervy and impatient.

Are you really only looking out for yourself?

I guess if we were in a field of sunflowers you might be the one looking the other way. I never want to be that one.

Do you?

That is the real question during these times.  Who are you for? 

When I stopped at a produce stand after my sunflower outing, I noted the sign by the pickup:  Masks Required.

I could see why as people were crowding over his lovely tomatoes. I told the couple I appreciated this effort and hoped people were compliant. Farmer guy looked at me and said, "We just gotta take care of each other."

Can I get an Amen?

Can I get a don't look the other way and stand tall in this field doing your part? 

That's what I want. 

And that's why my wafer thin nerves are shot. Because despite being together it feels like we still aren't willing to work together. People are distrustful, maybe rightfully so, but still, it's not hard to comply for the greater good even in doubt. 

And so I am taking a mental break from news and people and instead digging deep to try and figure how I can keep going to serve.

My head might be drooping a bit, but I believe I will stand tall again.