Elevens: Don't Hesitate

Jena Schwartz, Promptress Queen recently lead a group of 7 women including myself through writing prompts during one of her wonderful retreats One of my favorites was her 11's Freewrite. She asked us to write 11 things starting each one with Don't Hesitate. We had 30 minutes and this was what I came up with. I read it out loud and I liked it. Maybe that sounds strange to say, but it's hard to get this writer to say when I actually like something I did. I am owning this one.




Don’t Hesitate


1.


When your husband asks you on a date, don’t hesitate. You will wonder if this will ever happen again and if he will notice the line of grey that stretches from the top of your forehead all the way along your part or the chin hair that popped up overnight. Deep down you know the answer is no and that even if he did, he would never say. After all, you choose well and it doesn’t matter because today is a new day. Unlike you, he let’s go easily. He has forgotten that you forgot to run that really important errand, the one that cost you a lot of money because you were late. He forgets. He lets go. Either way, he dresses up in jeans without holes and a flannel shirt without paint splotches. You will sit side by side on barstools each searching for words that don’t lead towards your kids. He will start by sharing a funny cat meme and you will laugh feeling grateful for saying yes. Again.


2.


When your body starts to tingle, a little alarm bell rings in your head, your pulse begins to race, and your face grows suddenly warm, don’t hesitate to back away. Say no. You’ve been here before. This place, exactly. Your body has not lied. This person, that person. They are not for you. They are not FOR you. Back away. Don’t hesitate.


3.


Don’t hesitate to take a photo. Why not take 20 pictures of the sunset? Why not stop along your walk 15 times or pull the car over suddenly because you must capture that cloud now, that riff in the sky you’ve never seen quite like that. It’s not a selfie- it’s a worldie. You want to see the world and its beauty and here’s the thing. Pain and suffering are tucked in a locked vault in your heart, your body. You carry it every day and so, the relief- the sweet joy of looking out- seeing such beauty is like none other. That moment before the click is the hit you are after. It says, “Here I am. I see”.


Click.


Don’t Hesitate.


4.
Don’t hesitate to say I love you to whomever you want however often you can Why not? Who will get hurt? The crazy lady in the cafe. I love you. The bad grocery boy who cannot seem to remember that it’s cans first, then bread. I love you! Catty workmates, annoying relatives. I love you! I do. I might not like you, but I love you. I do. Don’t hesitate.


5.


Don’t hesitate to write. To at least give it a try. So often you are clunky, without direction. But when your pen moves across the paper it takes you with it. Closer, you are getting closer to yourself. And so, do it. Keep going, don’t hesitate. Write. Now. Say yes. Don’t hesitate.


6.


Don’t hesitate to live your truth. Sometimes you like to be alone. Sometime you like to be with people. Sometimes you like to say Fuck. Sometimes only a poem will soothe your battered heart. All of it is fine. All of it is perfect. Like you. Don’t hesitate to be the complicated person that you are because fitting into one box has not yet worked so give up trying. Don’t hesitate.


7.


Don’t hesitate to listen harder. You love to talk. You love to process out loud, but don’t hesitate to shut your mouth. The teachers you’ve been looking for are all around you, but sometimes you’ve been too busy talking to take in their lessons. Be quiet. Don’t hesitate.


8.


Don’t hesitate to say you’re tired. You just need a nap, a rest, a chance to tune out. Though your body is weak, your emotional fitness is that of an Olympian. You deserve rest, too. Don’t hesitate.


9.


Don’t hesitate to let go of the inner asshole, critic, jerk who likes to trip you up with lies. You don’t do enough, aren’t thin enough, don’t contribute enough money to the family, serve your community enough. Remember how you like to say fuck? Now is a good time to say, “Fuck off inner asshole.”  Say it as much as you need to. Don’t hesitate.


10.

Don’t hesitate to notice what you feel. Those tears that rise up to overflowing, when the pit of your stomach is aching, when your heart squeezes with fear or hope or joy, pay attention. Those moments are fleeting but full of information. As they move you, notice.


11.


Don’t hesitate to follow your gut. It has lead you astray now and then but so what? Very few things are permanent. Don’t hesitate to trust that after almost 50 years, you know what you know including who you are and what feels right. It feels right to know this knowing you didn’t have before so trust it. Follow it. Don’t hesitate.

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