I Was Only Waiting for This Moment to Arise

On the morning before we left  for Chicago, my girl slid into my bed just as she did as a toddler, a preteen, a distressed young adult. I smelled that skin and hair and felt her soft fingers curl around mine. I was not prepared for this gift.

And the the truth is, I am not prepared for waking up on this day to take the dog out for her morning stroll. I see the car my kid has driven for the last two years and my first thought is, “I wonder what time she got home?” until I slowly adjust my thinking. We left her in Chicago and I won’t know much about that anymore.

As much as I’d like to interweave my story with hers, I cannot. It’s not that they aren’t related, but at some point the narratives have to split. 

I think that is the real trick to parenting. So much of my own experience gets mixed up inside the individuals I am trying to raise and it just doesn’t work. These little people have to be themselves. It’s what parents want- that discovery of who they are and then the becoming and flourishing. 

At least that is the hope.  

But silly and wonky person that I have turned out to be, it has taken me awhile to figure this out. It's cruel joke that just when I am finally getting the hang of it, it is time to let go.

I know I have been hurtling toward this moment the whole time, but still the drop-off in the college dorm is shocking.

I keep thinking of these lyrics. I keep singing them to myself except I am changing the “You “ to  “I”.

I was only waiting for this moment to arise.

There was a time I never thought I would be a parent and then I was. It seems I have floated from one shock wave to another.

And so I am allowing my heart to grieve what is no longer. I am letting it be ok to examine the patchwork of my parenting life with my girl and let it fill me with joy and sadness and regret and everything in between.

I am fighting to stay inside my broken heart a bit. Not to dwell exactly, but to give it time to feel what it must so I can take my next step forward.

I have watched so many do exactly what I am doing now. I have listened and read all the touching tributes and essays on how to prepare.

But the truth is, none of it really has prepared me.

And so the gift I am giving myslef is to be ok with what is in my heart right now.

Here is this song, for me and anyone else who needs or wants it. It is for this moment, one full of hope and sadness and joy and letting go.

Blackbird

The Beatles

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of a dark black night

Blackbird fly, blackbird fly
Into the light of a dark black night

Blackbird singing…