The chaos of our life hasn't been without joy.
My boy-kid has been taking books to school to share with friends. My heart squeezes every single time he shares with me what the book of the day will be. This morning it was White Fang by Jack London for a friend who "has a CRAZY wolf obsession." This would be a little thing to miss. I see him going through his pile of books and every day it's been something different. I haven't really paid a lot of attention, but under my skin I feel that a gift of his is developing and it is hard to put into words just yet. I can't think of any gesture more kind and loving than someone saying, "I read this and thought of you." This will never be the kind of thing that earns praise and accolades, but it is the meat of life....rich and sustaining and connecting.
My girl-kid has been prepping for the school musical, poised to take to the stage despite nerves and over-coming a few obstacles along the way. Her tenacity will get her through so much more than a school musical. I could not do what she is doing, and so it is humbling to let your child go knowing you really haven't had much of a hand in it except to say, "I support you." The flip side of this is teaching her to own her mistakes. We've been through both sides of this and the skill set remains the same for both of us. I don't honestly know who is doing the most learning.
Meanwhile, I am working on letting go of a life I thought I would lead in a place I thought would raise my kids. It turns out the picture is changing and it's hard to see it disappear. It is difficult because I have invested deeply with my time and my heart and my words and actions.The feelings I have are because I have lived my life here with intention and love. Letting go of what I have created feels sometimes too much to bear, but that is typical of who I am. Finally at the ripe age of 45 I am accepting that who I am is a passionate person and this means living with great emotional peaks and valleys. A sunnier side will reveal itself, but for now I have to tread gently in this valley and give myself time before I start the climb out.
The interview trips we have taken have found us laughing with each other. The conversations in the car have been deep and rich and difficult. We have been acting like adults even when we don't feel like adults. It has been some of the scariest stuff we've had to do. I can see the responsibility he feels, I can feel the disappointment he has in himself, and I share in the grief of facing some hard truths about ourselves. This isn't drama. It's our life. I am learning about perception and shifts in focus and breathing deeply and being present and letting myself really be honest with him even when it's hard. And we still like each other. We still laugh at and with each other. Stillstillstillstill! We would choose each other.
So, the show must go on!
My baby doll is singing this weekend and we will be grinning from ear to ear no matter the sound quality. If she can sing in front of middle school kids, we can surely forge a new path for ourselves. It might feel like something is over, but really we are just in the second act.