The Bell Is Ringing!

I have a confession to make. Sometimes I feel like this one beautiful life I have been given is slipping away too fast. I feel like in midlife I am only now just starting to find the path I was meant to follow. If I pause too long I wonder--what the heck was I doing?

Oh, I know what you all might say. Zen-ish friends and relatives will suggest that this is my path and my time. I wouldn't be here now in this place making the discoveries I am making without all that other stuff first.

I get it. But it doesn't stop me from thinking about why it took me so long to get here.

Also, I worry about how being true to who I am will affect my family and friends.

Because it will, you know. What feels right to me will mess with family life. Knowing what I want and what fills me up will shift patterns already created in relationships. Shifting them again makes for a bit of chaos and some people in my life just might not stick around. This feels like a big risk.

I have read enough current psychology. I have read Brene Brown's message in her book Daring Greatly. I have been working with a group of women whose sole purpose in my life was to create a supportive environment in which we investigated how we hope to navigate the second half of our lives simply by being who we are meant to be. I know, I know, I know! All we can be is who we are though sometimes people won't respond well to it. I have preached this message myself!

I have poked fun of myself for years about being a slow learner. Finally, at 45 years of age, I see I am a sensitive woman who cares about her world. I manages this through writing and conversations with people. When I ignore calls to action, it feels wrong to me. I see that I can indeed make some differences when I try. When I make the time to to talk and write and listen and be in the presence of others who also care, I feel alive and a part of this world. Sometimes, I have denied this. 

But deny no more because I have decided to go back to school! I am researching low-residency MFA programs. This will be an intense study of creative writing and my particular interest is in creative nonfiction. I need to finesse my opinion writing and discover the real root of this book I am hammering away at....I hope such an intense study will help me. A low residency means I will attend intense workshops and classes for ten days, twice a year. The rest of my work will be done with a mentor via snail mail or the internet. I will treat school like my job and still be available to run the family taxi service. Perhaps it will be this one. Or, I might end up here or here. I will apply to six programs and hope one will take me. If not, there are many more out there. I will find one who wants me because I want to be a part of it.

The undergrad class I am taking in creative nonfiction right now has shown me that the content and conversation and work is something I feel ready to take on at a higher level. I am doing this because I really need a strong community of writers in my life. I am doing this because I wish to grow as a writer and a reader in a way I am just not doing right now. I am doing this because I can't imagine NOT doing it.

So much is left up for grabs. We still aren't sure about Big Man's work place future. We are a human Jenga puzzle. Where we land on the great job search is the one missing piece.

But I know what I am up to. I must request letters of recommendation, fill out applications, and track down no less than four schools for transcripts. It's time to get busy because I am going back to school!


2 comments:

  1. What happened to you when you took a huge leap of faith? I would be interested in knowing!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yay! Good luck. The one thing consistent in any leap of faith I have taken is having no regrets. Murkiness and confusion sometimes, but no regrets.

    ReplyDelete

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