Aftershocks

The crisis has passed, but the emotional whiplash continues. Our hearts have been beaten and battered around like an old, scruffed-up soccer ball the park kids dig out at the first sign of spring. 

He didn't die....he's better!  

What most of us thought was that better meant "as before". What better really means is that the infection is mostly gone.  We spent the weekend trying to let this sink in.

What remains is a man still in pain who is unwilling to admit he still has pain and pulling out his feeding tube.  What remains is a man with a swollen belly due to water weight from the IV. What remains is a man whose delirium is overpowering his lucid moments. Who we are seeing in no way resembles the man we have known.  Occasionally there are teeny-tiny glimpses (his most consistent concern is money so that jives). What remains is a very weak man.  We are very uncertain of who might emerge and what the end result of recovery will look like.

The weight of all the decision making was palpable in the family home this past weekend. There were tears and a settling-in of resolve to help rock star/mother-in-law, Linda.  

We will get through by treading lightly, carefully, intentionally. 

I propose a game of love laser tag wherein we zap each other on a continual basis sending out love vibes with our imaginary laser guns. The light waves carry beams of encouragement, hope, resolve, warmth, whatever is needed from whatever corner of the world we are in to St. Cloud, to Linda and Ali and Anne and my Big Man. I suppose other people rely on prayer chains, but I think I can get Thing 2 to buy in if I call it laser tag.  

It's likely The Original Big Man would scoff at such a thing. And there is no question that he would hate all of the time, emotion, energy, and resources spent on him.

But he doesn't have much say or any power in the matters at hand. He would hate that the most.

And I know how much he would hate this...this bearing of a family crisis. But it's my blog and my life and I need to do what I need to do. I hope he gets the chance to read this so I can really piss him off.  If he gets the chance to stop talking to me by choice, I will gladly take it for the team. It would be my pleasure because I don't hold grudges....and I'd still let him drive the tractor.