Do you ever head out in one direction and find yourself in a place you never intended?
I wrote that article about Andrew and now people are stopping me on the street asking me about war and the fall of EVIL MAN. What should we do now, Lisa?
This makes me ponder my words more carefully than ever. I am not an expert. I could never be a true leader because what I have learned above all else is that I am a feeler. This gets me into so much trouble. I can't hold it in. I can't process it without writing or talking, I just can't move on unless I have expressed myself in those intensely quiet moments of clarity when the words just appear. Afterwards, I feel a bit of a let down. I imagine it's like an addict crashing but with less drama.
Because now, I feel responsible. Not to Andrew, his parents, his siblings, or my readers...but to myself, which is always the hardest row to hoe.
People will say, have said, "At least you spoke your mind." But it's not enough, it's never enough, and now it follows me to sleep, to the grocery store, to work, and to my fingers when I dare dabble with other things that have wandered into my head. It hasn't left, and I don't know what to do with it. It's Restlessness with a capital R.
In the end, I am a mom who has to move forward all the while fanning the flames towards a protest that seems to be more of the heart than the mind.
So how does it work? how does it take shape? As always, there are more questions than answers. In the mundane of my life the intention becomes clearer, but the direction--not so much. An uncle would say my heart points true north and that should be my guide. Truly, though, I would like a little more to work with.