How do you float through the universe without a mom? I think of my own mom, who lost her mom around the time I graduated from high school, and much later, her aunt who served as the main touch point after grandma died.
Some of us have life with mom rudely cut short and some may have never really known life with a mom. How, I wonder, do you figure things out? Who serves as your GPS throughout life? My guess is someone else fills in- maybe without even realizing it. Someone has to serve as a compass or really, how would any of us ever make progress?
At best, relationships with moms are complicated. You need them and want them, but around the age of 3 you start thinking for yourself and that's when the trouble sets in. Each phase of childhood and adolesence pulls you closer and then pushes you apart. By Grace and tenacity, mom never really lets go and then bam! You are a grown-up wondering what the heck happened.
Maybe you moved away, maybe life sucks you into the vortex of busy, or, maybe it's just too hard. But, lucky me, she's always there. Until one day she isn't, and this is the day I dread. I think I am a grown up, but really, I can still call mom. I can still cry on her shoulder, call for a recipe, discuss the latest family news, and I can still look at her and think, "You survived all this? I can, too." Or not. Maybe I do none of these things, but the point remains that I can.
So, yes. I am grateful and appreciative and full of love and all that. But it's clear that I am just bucking that last phase of growing up. As long as I have mom, I still have one toe firmly planted in life before adulthood. I'm lucky, I know it, and I'll grow up when the time comes. No need to rush things.