Floundering and fearful, but isn't that ok?

I don't know where the time goes. The hours without children fly by, and then they are home and usually crabby- I do bring out the best in them- and then the hours creep slowly until dinner. Sometimes it is apparent I was busy. Other times, not so much. My husband is brilliant at knowing which times to comment.

I feel I need to make some big move for the sake of myself. I was told of 2 more jobs relating to community colleges and so it seems apparent the universe is sending me NEON messages. I can't help but wonder if I want to do it really, or just feel I should. At times I feel so ricidulous for having such a sappy life. For instance, someone needed last minute childcare yesterday so I helped out. It was no big deal, but it was great to be able to say unequivocally YES! A need filled and that's all it took for me to feel like my day wasn't a total waste. I hate that pop-psychology that suggests we don't move because of fear of success. Isn't there some study that suggests that we don't break out of our bubble simply out of fear? I know exactly what I am scared of-- rocking my family's boat. About 6 weeks ago, we thought my elderly grandmother was going to pass. I wanted to see her so Bob sent me on my way for a 24 hour trip to Iowa on my own. That stint entailed detailed planning of childcare for 2 afternoons, rides to and from dance, meal prep that would ease my consciousness, along with reminders about piano and homework. That was for 24 hours only! Then there was bad weather and there was a late start the next morning. Bob found someone to take the kids but rolled in to work 3 minutes before patient number one and exclaimed to his office mate, "I could NOT do this job without Lisa". Well, yes. So while I certainly understand his pressures (most days), I have my own. When I want to rock my boat, I will then rock everyone elses and in the end, it just seems easier to take it for the team for another year. This blog is easy because NO ONE is affected. No, I am not bringing in any money. No, I am not getting published anwhere. However, my fingers are moving with my brain. Does that count for something?

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