Just when you think you had it all figured out....

I have frequently said that I would like to be a public speaker- someone you listen to at a women's conference or a parenting workshop of some sort. I have been joking all along that I have the talent to speak but no message. And then Katy says that perhaps that is my message. Of course I thought she was joking but then I started thinking about it and it makes me think, hmmm...... maybe she is on to something. A few blogs ago I put out there that I didn't miss teaching and then someone brought up an adjunct position at a community college teaching Public Speaking to returning soldiers. Hmm....what do I have to offer returning soldiers? My husband said, "Good speaking skills." Oh, yeah, right. I look at the details- how would I rearrange my life to make this fit? Would I even be good enough? These are young men returning from who knows what kind of life- what does a 41 year old female with little kids in a cushy life have to offer them? I know how to write a speech. I can communicate, I guess. So... well...why woudn't I do this? And how does this fit in with my plan? I just put out there that I felt a bit done with teaching. But am I? The minute you start the journey with assumptions, those assumptions get busted. Again and again, I appreciate the fact that I have this undisputed luxury of following what feels right. Believe me, if I were reading this same blog written by someone else 15 years ago, I would laugh and cackle. Must be nice to be in that position where you don't have to worry about money and the bills, etc. If you read Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, you may have had a similar reaction. Take off from life for a year and travel having connections to someone almost everywhere you went? Yeah, right. I am not in an Eat, Pray, Love moment, but can appreciate her journey to learning more about herself. Which gets me to my message. Perhaps that is it. That you just really listen to yourself. I am not pretending that it's always easy because sometimes what we think we want isn't ours to have. There is something else out there and it's our job to keep looking for it. A few years back I wanted a job so badly that I literally cried when I did not get it. That had never happened to me before. Oh- there were jobs I didn't get but none of those losses brought be to tears. This sent me into hiding. And then I started looking for other things to fill the void and looking back, I chose things based on what seemed right more so than what I truly wanted. I finally see this now. It's taken 3 years to come to this realization. Yet I firmly believe that every choice I made has led me to now, which is still not a settled place but I am curious. Somehow all the twists and turns will come together. And that brings me to this message of having no message. Maybe it's just the looking that is the message. Maybe it's just the wondering and asking...if it keeps me challenging myself and as a side bonus, others, isn't that enough?


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